We all want kids to succeed. So when they’re struggling—slipping grades, missed assignments, low energy—it’s tempting to fall back on a familiar story: They’re so smart. If only they’d find a passion and try harder. Be gritty. It sounds reasonable. It feels like we’re offering encouragement. But it’s often wrong.
In her recent Atlantic article, Erika Christakis writes about the power of what psychologist Robert Brooks calls “islands of competence”. These are the places in a child’s life where they genuinely feel capable. That feeling of I can do this—in theater, on the soccer field, fixing bikes, babysitting—can quietly rewire how kids see themselves. It’s not about praise or boosting self-esteem. It’s about being actually competent and connected. And that changes everything.
Support Kids to Try Differently
Here’s what I see quite often: a student — middle school through college — spends hours a day in an extra-curricular. Take theater rehearsal, where this student nails complex choreography, collaborates with a cast, memorizes 60 pages of lines—and then goes home and “forgets” to do their math. Parents panic. Teachers sigh. Everyone agrees someone needs to try harder. The teacher needs to be more engaging. The student needs to stop avoiding real work and up their effort game. But that’s the wrong lens. What we should be asking is: What is it about theater that lets this student shine? And how can we build more of that into their school experience?
One possibility? Theater gives structure. It gives deadlines and a team and a physical space with adults and peers who expect contribution from you. It gives a role—not just in the play, but in the community. There’s lighting, sound, props, costumes. School, on the other hand, often offers long timelines to unimaginable future outcomes, rubric-based (but rarely holistic) feedback, and hours of unstructured after school time to fill.
When the Struggle Is Worth It
Sometimes it’s more subtle. A student who is always being told to try harder—even with warmth and good intentions—may shut down, but not because they’re never praised. In fact, many of these kids get a steady stream of “Good job!” and “I’m proud of you!” But if they don’t experience themselves as truly capable somewhere, it doesn’t matter. Kids know the difference between being cheered on and being seen.
They also feel the difference between being supported and being micromanaged. Motivation isn’t something you give kids by pushing or pulling away. It’s something they build when their strengths are seen, when real structure supports success, and when they’re allowed to struggle without being pathologized for it.
Kids need to build skills in places where things do click, and then bring those skills into harder spaces, with others–including caring adults and especially–peers.
So yes—kids can learn to study even when they’re in theater or sports or working a part-time job. In fact, some of them do better when they’re busier. This is not because pressure builds character, but because structure supports capacity. A packed schedule forces them to make choices, plan ahead, and work with urgency. Having peers in the same activity helps. It normalizes effort, provides a more immediate feedback cycle, and creates momentum.
The quiet message that you’ve got this? It’s not because someone told you so, but because you felt it, somewhere in your life, and you believed it. That’s part of the magic. The after party? It’s delicious because you learned and connected, and earned it…with friends.
Let’s stop telling people to try harder. Let’s start asking: “What’s already working for you?” and learn how to build from there.
__________
