Which do you prefer when a deadline or appointment is missed: a breezy “Sorry I’m late,” or a drawn-out apology paired with an explanation? Stay with me while I explain why neither is ideal in most contexts—and what to model (and encourage) instead.
Politeness ≠ Trustworthiness and –> Stuckness
Chronic apologizing is often framed as politeness, but it can signal something deeper: shame. People say “sorry” not because they’ve caused harm, but because they fear that showing need or falling short makes them unworthy. Over time, these apologies become habitual and empty. They rarely repair trust—the actual purpose of apology—and can instead lower others’ expectations and reinforce internalized shame about performance.
If you are neurodivergent, as many of my clients are, you may have learned to apologize as a way to show self-awareness. “I’m sorry” becomes a shield: proof that you know you’re off-track, and reassurance that next time will be better. It offers momentary relief and buys emotional space. But it can also keep you stuck—and erode trust in you over time.
What to Do Instead?
Say “Thank you for waiting.” Research by UC/Davis psychologist Robert Emmons shows that people who express gratitude feel more connected, take more responsibility, and are more likely to follow through. It shifts attention to the other person’s contribution rather than your own lapse. They gave time, patience, or flexibility. Gratitude acknowledges that. It reframes the moment not as a personal failing, but as a shared exchange. In everyday interactions—running behind, rescheduling, needing space—gratitude is not just more respectful; it’s more effective. In the aftermath of a “miss”, gratitude builds motivation; apology often just marks regret.
When real harm happens, apology and repair are necessary. But in the daily rhythm of human imperfection, habitual apology becomes a static placeholder for change. Gratitude affirms the effort someone made and invites you to meet it. It builds trust and strengthens the relationship. Over time, that trust makes future requests—especially for accommodation, support, or flexibility—feel more collaborative and less risky.
Recognition + Reciprocity –> Shared Problem-solving
This can be especially important for neurodivergent people, who may already worry they won’t be believed or understood. When the foundation of a relationship includes recognition and reciprocity, accommodations feel less like burdens and more like shared problem-solving. Gratitude affirms our worth, deepens connection, and shifts our focus from what’s wrong with us to what’s right between us.
So say thank you—not to cover for failure, but to recognize what was offered. That acknowledgment is what makes change—and connection—more likely.
